I'm narky and angsty and rah rah rah rah rah.
I don't know whether I want to do physiotherapy at the moment, I don't know whether I want to do it next year, or the year after or the year after that. Do I like it? I don't know. Is it what I want to do with my life? I don't know.
Problem is, I don't know WHAT I want to do with my life. If I don't do physio, what do I do? I can't do nothing again, I did that for a year and nearly went insane. so what do I do? continue to sit out a degree until I either like it, or fail it and think I'm essentially not good enough? I just don't know.
I hate friendships that fall apart with no reason or sense whatsoever. You have all this connection with a person and you are important in their life and they are important in yours, then BAM they are gone. just.. gone. Completely non-existent anymore. I just don't get how it works.. how something so solid and meaningful can just evaporate from your very existence.
It happens with connections too, connections with people and towns and places and groups and idea.
And when the world starts to cave in around you, when things start going wrong but it's not happening to you so you can't stop it.
But I can't just sit here and watch either, I need to be able to help and fix it and make it better because if I don't who will? and if no one does then what hope is there that everything will be ok. Because it can't break, it can't unravel. Life does not work if I allow it to cave in and break apart.
I wouldn't be me and my life wouldn't be right, and it would kill me.
But I can't help, all I can do is sit and watch.
fuck. fucking fuck. and a little more fuck.
About Me
- eleanor.
- 19. will one day live upon an aeroplane so that travel is inherent in life.
breath my dear. just breath. and remember, you are only 19. you don't HAVE to know what you want to do. just try to enjoy the learning (because we both know you are a smart little cookie... tasty cookie)
ReplyDeleteand people suck. they let you down. so just take the ones you have, and love them. it seems to work.
sweetie im the same. i dont know what i want to do in life. i hate newstep with a passion and i guess the only reason why im keeping on to it because i just want to leave the option of uni open.
ReplyDeleteyou dont have to do uni now. u could do it in a year or 2 or as many years as u want. just dont get halfway through the course and then hate it then have to pay for the semesters that you have done. you just need to breathe take a break and sit down and think of all the possibilities you can do with your smart amazing skills and talents.
as for the falling out of friends. i know its a total bitch. and you wonder why it has happen. but just remember not to worry about the people from your past there is a reason why they didnt make it in your future.
and the crumble and caving in. just remember im here to support your walls when they start to fall. and will always. xx